Like me, I bet you’ve all run around with your bathing towels wrapped above your shoulders like a cape and pretended to be Superman (and if you haven’t then it’s never too late!). Ever since I was a little brat I wanted to take to the skies. Air travel is the next best thing and I’m always looking forward to having a
1. Securing beds…in Economy Class! There’s a game Nigerian passengers play whenever they’re on-board
a semi-full airplane – It’s kind of similar to Musical Chairs…but
without the music. Passengers snub the seats assigned to them and scout
for a stretch of three to four empty seats before
take-off. Handbags and other luggage items are strategically placed on
empty seats in the hope for that Business Class experience – pathetic.
2. Making dramatic Nollywood scenes.
Whoever said ‘Rules are meant to be broken’ must have been a Nigerian.
We’re pretty damn good at breaking rules…into smithereens, just for good
measure. There was one woman sat at the front of economy class with her
less-than-a-year-old baby. She put her baby down on the empty seat next
to her when the seat belt light was off (not sure if that’s proper in
the first place but I’ll let her off on that one). The moment the seat
belt light was back on, however, one of the air hostesses called her to
order and told her to strap her baby in place – RED ALERT! RED ALERT!
MAY DAY! MAY DAY! You knew from the way the irritated mother turned her
neck with that ‘oh-no-you-didn’t’ expression all over her face that
cabin pressure was under serious threat. Needless to say she told the
air hostess to mind her own business – ironically, that’s what the
air-hostess was trying to do in the first place…Safety of
passengers…DUH! I can’t remember if the thud I heard later on was due to
turbulence or because the baby had rolled off the chair…
3. Taking pictures. You
can imagine trying to enjoy a good book when suddenly the corner of your
eye picks up the flash photography of some newbie whose obviously
hell-bent on convincing everyone back in Nigeria that he/she indeed
travel abroad. Newsflash! There may be people with photosensitive
epilepsy on-board or nearby pilots wondering if there is a
terrorist hijacking, with one unfortunate Nigerian who decided to break one simple rule ‘DON’T MOVE!’ (go figure!)
4. Farting. It’s bad
enough you left your assigned seat at the front and decided to come
behind me and stretch yourself across four empty seats. Now you’re so
generous as to share your flatulence with me in small doses
of ammonia-laced farts…not a one-off…periodic discharges which could
catchchoke me unawares if I dare yawn. FYI, avoid fizzy drinks on the plane
if you know you can’t handle your abdominal tract like few pros among
us.
5. Drink to stupor. Is
it the sheer pettiness of wanting to get one’s money’s worth that would
make a passenger drink like a fish? (Remember, its Nigerians we’re
talking about here). Of course, it’s not the drinking that bothers me
but the mindless banter and laughter at completely ‘unfunny’ things that
drives me up the Berlin wall (just like that – after a couple of drinks
you’d be in stitches when you read ‘drive me up the berlin wall’).
6. Leaving toilets unlocked.
Common sense consistently fails to prevail when most Nigerians use the
airline’s restrooms. It all boils down to refusing to acknowledge the
instructions/directions carefully displayed all around them. It’s quite
simple – you enter the restroom and close it behind you. Right there on
door is a slide lock which denotes ‘Slide left to lock and right to
open’. Why wouldn’t I be interested in making sure that no one
accidentally sees my ‘bits’? Didn’t they notice the green ‘vacant’ or
the red ‘occupied’ sign before entering the lavatory? At my last count
I’ve walked in on 3 unfortunate passengers who forgot to lock behind
(but they all did once I exposed them…makes you wonder, eh?).
7. Sitting ovation. I’m
not sure if you can relate but you’re nearing your flight destination
and as soon as the plane lands successfully passengers around you start
to clap until virtually everyone joins in. Why are they doing this, you
ask? beats me – for landing safely or for not crashing into the deep
blue sea or for getting their money’s worth after usurping the mini
bar…I dunno. The clapping is cheesy in my opinion. I’d much prefer
passengers go one by one to shake the pilot(s) for a
job well doneplane well-landed.
And coming in at a surprise number 8 is Irregular exercise. Make no mistake about it, Nigerians are terrified about premature death, more so than the average civilian (if that makes any sense). I’ve seen the most bizarre repetitions performed from kicking mid-air to punching only your left arm over the seat head in the same direction. Deep Vein thrombosis is
no laughing matter so I guess all I have to do is close my eyes next
time if I don’t want to behold seemingly amateurish ‘Kung-fu’.
On that note, and on account of my long stint away from blogging recently, I bid you ‘HAAAIYA!’ 
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